Fun Real Storytelling

Last night we went to Bawdy Storytelling in LA on Sunset Blvd. against our better judgement on a work night. Walk has early morning wake ups. We felt this was probably going to be  "worth it".
It was.

We had heard it through one of the podcast we listen to and sex educator Reid Mahalko was talking about it. It immediately intrigued me and I looked it up, told Walk about it and he was interested. So we went not fully knowing what to expect but from what we saw on the website. It was in a old school Mexican restaurant with some definite history and nicely put together. 

This clip above wasn't from last night, but is a clip from YouTube I found. There's many more where that came from. Please click on it and take a look at what I'm talking about.

It's basically people telling a real 10minute sexual experience they've had. There were a couple famous people and the rest were just regular people getting on stage telling everything. It's just the open minded sexual community coming together to bare it all. The MC and I believe the gal that runs it? Is pretty good at keeping the crowd going with a good positive vibe and real storytelling about herself.

It's interesting after being in a vanilla world most of our time, to go to a place like this with like minded people. (open minded, that is) To sit at a table introduce yourself to the dude next to you, probably in his 70's with a newly amputated leg.( he had shared with us as he hobbled to sit down) We had asked where we he had heard about this and he said Fet Life.... matter of factly and shared that he was a Dom. You don't get that sitting at your everyday restaurant.  
Most of the crowd ages were probably early 30's to early 50's, with a wide sexual diversity. I love that!

They do these shows in San Francisco and LA and we will definitely go back.

~ Roll~

A New

Sometimes I don't know who I am.
I feel empowered and weak at the same time.
I smile and hurt.
Intuitively I yearn.
I see hope but am leery.
Grasping at the earth to be rooted.
The unabandoned me is hidden deep wanting freedom.
Falling from pasts, I pick myself up.
I see a new me.

~Roll~

a video to watch

WALK:Hi everyone we continue to grow and communicate everyday and things are a lot lighter around here lately. We have even tentatively scheduled a trip to Desire Cancun for next Fall . We are playing it by ear and we will have to see how it feels as it gets closer. We still struggle with some things and we are learning how to deal with them as they come. We continue to watch the videos from Reid Mahalko and I personally have learned some lessons from him. 

I actually wanted to write tonight to post this video it was sent to me by a young gay friend of ours who is aware of our situation. He is one of a group of young twenty somethings that Roll and I have dubbed our slutty children, they also call us slutty Mom and Dad. It amazes us both that these kids are so in tune with their sexuality and so progressive in their thinking. Neither of us were anywhere near this advanced at their age.

Healing

WALK: Hi everyone it's been quite a while since I have written on here. I think for me I was too wrapped up in not wanting to write about the bad things that have been going on. I do realize that not all can be sunshine and happy days. The very concept of what we do can lead to many issues as has been apparent here. That said Roll and I are doing better, we continue to struggle with some things,but day to day life is getting better. 
As Roll has mentioned I do struggle with many issues that stem from a childhood that was definitely less than ideal. I am learning much about myself and realize that my instinct to gravitate towards things and people who validate me or make me feel good is part of the problem. I have been going to therapy for a couple of years now and right now my focus is on exploring this further. Hearing others say they are attracted to me or want to be with me is a huge ego boost, how can it not be. I know for me the goal is striking a healthy balance of accepting that boost and realizing that all of this is just extra curricular activity. I can not let it get in  the way of what is most important in my life, Roll. I have often disregarded how she was feeling and just assumed all was fine at the moment. I often heard what I wanted and not what was being said. I am also trying to learn a new way of saying things in a more thoughtful way. I have a tendency to just speak without thinking. 
We both started watching a video series yesterday that was done by Reid Mahalko  We first heard him on Tristan Taraminos podcast and also on Life on the Swingset, both great podcasts that deal with non monogamy. If  you have never heard him before you owe it to yourself to listen. He did a video series called relationship10x it's about making your relationship 10 times better. Many of the things he says make a lot of sense.  Check it out and watch his youtube videos they are really pretty good http://reidaboutsex.com.
I also think writing on here can be helpful and if others have thoughts please comment. Thank you to those who have sent the emails and comments and who have reached out trying to help we both appreciate it. 

Fear

I've had quite a bit of quiet time in the last week. My car has been in the shop and with no transportation I have spent a lot of time at home painting. I've left the TV off and pretty much all other devices kept to a minimum. It has been not fun car less but it is probably what I've needed for a long time. People have offered to take me places but I just am really in a zone and need to go with just staying home.

This time has been one of letting my heart rest. Although we have had our issues still coming up now and then stemming from this last 6 months/ lifetime. I have been trying to listen to Walk and trying to make sense of his insecurities and hold them and respect them for what they are. I've been so hurt it's been hard to sit with someone elses hurt.
I see his struggle, I feel the intensity of hurt he's masked. I see him trying to put forth effort to see it for what it is. It's exhausting on so many levels. 

Both his and my feelings are basically fear based. I can only speak to my fears. I fear not being good enough. I fear losing him. I fear being alone. Those feelings for me run deep and upfront and center most days.
It took me a long time to find comfort and confidence and not so long for me to lose it.

I try each day to look forward. All I can do is take it day to day. The stupidest of things stress me out now and I just try to avoid anymore nonsense. 
I am disappointed in myself because I have been so wrapped up in us that I have just let people go by the way side, but it's what I needed to do.
I have in the last couple weeks let myself tell 2 friends about what has gone on and although I know they fully don't grasp it, they took it, processed it and didn't judge. It was so freeing in a way, and very kind hearted of them to hear some probably shocking situations they would've never expected to hear from me. Both of them let me share thoughts and feelings and then embraced them because I think they saw my sincerity and fear. It scared me to death divulging such things. But I did it and glad I did.
I'm just about at the point in my life if you don't except me as a real person with faults and can't accept me for thinking outside the box, do we really need to be friends?

My hopes:
If we can stay on track and keep on this soul searching journey, communicate, listen and hold each others thoughts and embrace them.......we will respect what we have been through and come out stronger.

Roll~

In my mind

A peaceful morning before starting to paint.

It can be solitary. It can be freeing. It can be lonely. It can be lovely.
The mind wanders......
I wonder, I fantasize, I long. 
I stare. It's quiet
I'm scared.

Roll~

Focus

Every evening for a few weeks we have either set a time to talk after dinner or when we go to bed. We have talked until we are blue and sometimes just completely lost focus of where it all started. It's been draining and enlightening all in one instance.

We are communicating and I'm trying to understand what has happened to us. Walk is too. 

Walk has a sense of clarity and has told me that he has never felt this real and deep and understanding in his life as he does at this moment. As much as I want to grasp it, I've heard all this in different forms before and I fuckin hurt.
I know he's a good person, a caring person.....but that doesn't change the question of why has all this happened? I know with the death of my mom it has put us in a tail spin. We've felt such a loss and I know everyone deals with that different. 

We've both been through quite a few deaths in the past 6-7 years and I know both of us just feel abandoned by our most important people. It's kind of like, "well it's basically just us now".

We came from 2 totally obviously different backgrounds. He from and alcoholic verbally abusive family trying to fend for himself in anyway he could. Myself, raised by my mom (June Cleaver) after my dad passed away at age eleven and trying to deal with my physical issues and not excepting it or being accepted, but loved by my mom.
We were married at 21 and 22, bringing all our glory to one plate.
With that said, the odds were against us. We have been each others support and unconditional love from day one. Just doing what we knew and trying our best with what we were taught.
Mind you, our lives growing up weren't all doom and gloom. There were times of good, but those bad times scar. They form who you are today and unless you make room for change you will live doing the same behaviours over and over. 

Myself, I came full circle in my 30's doing a lot of soul searching and realizing my self worth and embracing who I was. It was an uphill battle that I'm glad I challenged it, but wouldn't go back if you paid me. During that time and years before, Walk was there physically but not mentally, if that makes any sense. We did have a pretty good life and love was there but I in someways felt alone. He mentally could not go to those places I needed to go in order to enrich and understand my life. He thought it was a bunch of psycho babble, which didn't help my cause at all. I knew what was best for me and did what I needed to do. 
With all this lately, I feel I've been pushed back. I feel like crap, not worth much, and like "who am I"? and "what is happening"?

This whole openness thing has opened up a whole new communication level in the past couple years and we went with it. It has been one of the most freeing and lovely experiences that we ever had. A kind of coming into our own, I guess. 
Unfortunately, I thought we were more open than we were. I'm pretty free with my emotions, feelings about things and will put them out there. I thought walk would also and he did to a certain extent. I don't think he was able to see, until just recently why he reacts and acts towards certain things. This has been an ongoing pattern ever since I can remember and this year with everything that went on it just was like a barrel rolling down hill.

The barrel has stopped. Everything is in quiet mode. Walk is opening his eyes to his world. I see it...... but I'm hurt and I feel numb so it's hard to embrace. I think it will be a long time. Things like this don't happen overnight.

In the depths of my heart.......I think I've said this before,.......I hope he can find peace within himself. It's all I can hope for .....for the both of us.

For me the lifestyle has been put on a shelf for another time. Like I've said before, it is a part of me but it isn't the most important part.
I will continue to post.

This is life people and we're learning as we go along.

Roll

Getting it out.

To put into words what has been going on in our lives would be a near feat. I do want to share kind of a mish mosh of stuff relating and not relating to the lifestyle or our own personal openness.

As some of you know this past year had been one for the records between our vanilla world and our not so vanilla world. It's been one of the hardest years of my life and I know that's completely a first world problem. There are way more important issues out there, but this is my little reality and it hit hard.

I'm tired of playing games. Games that divert and disregard and fill an empty space on many levels of life. Wanting to fill a need and while unintentionally emptying someone elses. Trying to take pain away when all it needs to be is sat with.  Losing something and not grasping for anything or anyone that passes by to fill that void. Putting faith in people that don't really care or letting someone throw you under the bus and go back as it never happened. I'm ashamed of myself and us as a couple. I'm worth more, we are worth more.

For two people that love each other the way we do you would walk into this years shit and think we have been the drama couple all our lives. 

 I can only speak for myself and say that I've come to the end of my rope. This is a sink or swim time and at the moment I'm floating. So survival mode has kicked in for me. In the past couple weeks I've embraced some new small personal challenges. I am doing what feels right and inspiring and even started painting again after a several long months. I have art shows planned and have some goals and met some really mind stimulating people that I think might help me find my groove un denounced to them. I'm finally realizing that the people that I thought would be there and say they will, are not. And when faced with the toughest time of your life and they are no where to be found and you can't trust or rely or confide in them.....well its time to maybe re-evaluate who you're surrounding yourself with.

Walk and I still have love. Some respect and trust and dignity has been lost along the way and it hurts so much. We have tried to dodge the issue and make ourselves feel better in some odd ways and with faliure. So here we are, and we are still in this learning process for so many issues. Things that stem from deep within, dealing with death and feeling abandoned, self worth, etc. Just realizing so many things about strategies life hands you and how you deal with it, stemming from learned survival behaviours.
It's exhausting and enlightening all wrapped up in a pretty little package.

We have so much to give to each other and the good does weight out the bad. But the bad hurts like hell and I'm not sure if this is something that will be the demise of us or the thing that makes us stronger. Only time will tell and lots of soul searching and emotion checking.
I'm at the point I am just going day by day and trying to be true to myself and only hope we can do the same as a couple.


As for something on a completely different note: 
Marriage equality, same sex couples and unity. 
Why is this not excepted? Even in the "lifestyle" community? Why is it such a big deal? and why are people so ignorant? 
We are all sexual human beings and not everybody is the same.
It's ok for us to all have different likes, dislikes, kinks, affection, passion, loves............but let me get this right......only if you are straight or females (because it sexy.)
Who makes these rules and who doesn't deserve love and respect?

I will be painting for a show for the Marriage Equality issue in the next few months. In my life I have gay friends and family whom I love very much and they are regular and not so regular, just like my straight friends. I wouldn't expect everybody to be the same. It would be boring and not real.
 People who get it, get it. No biggie. But how do we get people to realize this is a right we all have and how you or I are no different that they are? It just baffles me. This is a civil rights issue, that isn't going to go away and I've been on board and now it's full force.

So this is one of many things I'm passionate about and I would like feedback on this and any other thing you want to throw this way.

Ok breath........I got all that out........wheeew.

Cheers.
Roll

Just add Alcohol

Happy New Year Everyone! 

It's been quiet on the swing front here lately, but not quiet on the flirty fun front. We are going to a meet and greet tonight so who knows what fun that might bring. We are actually at this moment just sitting here on the couch trying to recover from last nights late night at a bar.

The topic I would like to talk about today is vanilla parties.
Roll and I were invited to a vanilla party on New years. The group that  was having the party we are fairly new to and we only know a few of the people. They are all very friendly and there was probably about thirty people there. Some were couples some were singles. The ages varied largely but mostly close to our age somewhere in there 40s.  After arriving we both noticed how flirtatious some of them had become. Many of them were commenting and ogling over the women who were wearing low cut or revealing tops. I have heard others talk about the fact that the more alcohol the more flirtatious vanillas can be. The problem we ran into is for us who are not vanilla there is the fear of outing ourselves in such situations by pushing them even further. A couple of examples of this, was when one of the people we do know came to us with a single girl they were both drunk and her comment was, this is "Sally" she hasn't been with anyone in over a year. Do you guys know anyone who can help her out? She looked right at us and said "I need dick".  Rolls response, "come back to our house he'll give you dick ".   I don't drink so being sober I laughed it off and proceeded to stop Roll from divulging too much. Roll started to tell her about the club in LA, again I changed the subject in  an attempt  to divert the attention from our lifestyle. The same girl later did come up to me and ask me for our number and said she would like to know more about the club. I gave it to her. We still haven't heard from her, I think sobriety brought out the true vanilla. Another girl at the party also kissed me no less than 4 times throughout the party then commented, "Your wife has great tits". I said, thanks I know, and so do you. I also made it clear to her that Roll does not mind me saying that. I let her know that we are pretty open with each other. She then proceeded to grope Rolls' tits. I also witnessed one of the husbands give Roll a very long kiss. I had to stop that before his wife walked in. I also reminded Roll that she needed to be careful. 
Last night found us at an art opening where Roll had donated a painting to a charity auction. The same girl who kissed me and groped Rolls tits was there. After a few drinks she once again became very flirtatious and we wound up finishing the evening at a local bar. We had a group session of groping and grab ass. We probably also divulged way too much to her. She now knows about our open lifestyle. The evening ended just saying goodbye and we parted ways with her. It will be interesting to see the reaction we get from her when alcohol is not involved. 

So, do these people really wish they could be more open or is it just liquid courage? 

Walk

I kind of wanted to chime in also. So, hello and hope this finds you all well on the 5th day of the new year!

I have been finding myself lately more and more to just embracing my flirtiness and sexual ways. I know for me alcohol does give me a little more courage when it comes to fun frolicking times. 
But like Walk said it's hard to embrace the openness without alienating people (most people) but staying true to yourself.
I think a struggle that will be one we will always deal with.

Well... actually at the NYE party I don't even remember kissing the gals husband and was told about it the next day by WALK. I do remember him telling me I was pretty all night and flirting but don't remember the kiss. No excuse though, just don't remember it.
Fun times though.....that I can remember. 

As for this art opening, in the process of entering my piece this last week for the show, we ended up meeting this cool wacky guy. Well this guy right off the bat to me was intriguing. He's an over the top Sid and Nancy type, punker in his own time, and so passionate about all kinds of causes. Almost too passionate where he just wont shut up. Well while Walk was groping and grab assing with this girl last night, my sights were on him and I felt his cautious but not so shy sights on me. The more unique of a person, the more I'm attracted to them. Just does it for me. 
Anyways, my liquid courage last night towards the end of the evening led me to tell him while sitting next to me that he drives me crazy. I know pretty tame but the eye contact and smiles had me going. Doesn't take much, I know. The end of the night outside the bar I gave him 2 quick lingering kisses goodbye and Walk says
come on Roll we gotta go. Lets call him Sid....is married to a nice girl and Walk once again reminded me that we can't cross vanilla lines.  I would never want to cause issues. I let my sexual drive take over and don't sometimes think of the consequences. 
We had purchased a piece of art last night and when Walk went this afternoon to the gallery to pick it up Sid says to Walk, you guys are really good together and your wife's awfully flirty. Walk told him, that we've been married a long time and we are pretty open and don't get hung up on what the other is doing.  He said, you're a lucky man, my wife's not that understanding, she would kill me! 
Man! why do I always like what I can't have?

Roll

Merry Christmas

Hi  everybody we just wanted to say Merry Christmas happy holidays or whatever fits for you. Things have been pretty quiet lately as we have been getting through the holiday season. Looking forward to the new year and all the sexual fun it might bring.
Today while opening gifts one of the young nieces got something with a unicorn on it . Her mom one of the very religious members of our family told everyon she loves unicorns. Of course my response I whispered to Roll... we like unicorns also. Hope everyone enjoyed their holidays.