Saturday, October 19, 2013

The guest house

Good Morning or almost afternoon at this time of day. Roll and I are laying in bed just having finished pop tarts and a cup of coffee. We are laying here basking in the afterglow of a crazy roller coaster 3 days.

Where do we we begin ... OK recently we met a really cute girl at a city council meeting she was there supporting a friend who was speaking. Roll and I both immediately thought wow she's cute. We knew she was married so figured OK off limits. Roll and her have been texting off and on for the last few weeks and have gotten progressively flirtier. Fast forward Wednesday. 

Wednesday evening I had to work so Roll and her met at our local bar.  This girl was there talking about the city council friend, turns out she digs him and they have fooled around a little. They are both married he is definitely going through a divorce and she wants to, or at least at the time was wanting to. At the beginning of their conversation.  She mentioned to Roll that she wanted an open marriage. Roll looked at her and said it won't help your failing marriage. She told her we were open and explained our life to her. The evening continued with her initiating  kissing after a couple of drinks. ( insert 70s porn bass here ). The friend she liked shows up at the bar, sees Roll kissing her and just looks at them and says fuck. He at this point is trying to keep this girl at arms distance until after his divorce. She wants him bad. At the end of the evening this girl is wanting Roll to take her back to our house but they just part ways instead. 
The next day Roll is texting her and says you need to give him space. Our friend has asked Roll to tell her this and explain why. OK where are we, oh yea Thursday, the flirting continued. Fast forward Friday.  

We are making evening plans I tell Roll to text her and what she is doing. She does and the girls response, meet My husband and I at this dive bar. Awkward.... Roll has been hearing all this shit about him for 2 days and is thinking really? now we are going out with this guy.  We can not figure a way out and so here we go. The first five minutes we meet him She is telling us how they have almost booked a trip to Desire and how she has told him all about us. 2 dive bars later and my hand on her ass. He approaches her and says you really dig them don't you, she tells him yes. He tells her he thinks Roll is Beautiful and now it is on. 

We drop another friend off at her house and off we go back their house. They have a detached guest house in the back so we go there. We  are sitting around talking and  she unzips her dress he takes her bra off an Roll and her begin making out.  He and I go outside to give them some time and not feel like they are on stage. Both her and Roll are new to the bisexuality thing, or at least engaging in it. After about 2o minutes he and I go back in to find them engaged in a sort of awkward embrace. We ask is they would like some help.  I am now kissing on his wife and he is now kissing on Roll while Roll is fingering her pussy. The heavy petting continues and she just keeps repeating Christmas has come early This is exactly what she wants. After about 15 minutes She takes me by the hand and leads me to another bed we continue making out.  I have grabbed my condoms out of my pants pocket. Yes I was a boy scout I was prepared. Our petting continues and we can here Roll and her husband fooling around. can I just say hearing your wife is sexy as hell. I put on the condom and we begin fucking. I am  incredibly embarrassed to admit this but I did not last nearly long enough. The combination of sexy and heavy petting got the best of me. We continue to make out and I am doing my best to make her happy. 

From the other bed I hear him say "I gotta go" gets up and walks back to the main house. It turns out he got nervous and freaked out when he realized what was going on. Roll and him  never got to actually fuck.  He is not good at this point and and walks back in and tells his wife I will see you in the front house. We are now getting dressed she is asking us if she can stay at our house tonight if she needs to we tell her sure no problem. We leave and she texts us 15 minutes later saying everything is good he just didn't know how to handle it. Roll and I get home around 5 am as tired as we are we fuck like crazy and pass out. 

We have heard from them today and all seems well lets just hope it stays that way. As a matter of fact she was telling Roll this morning how they just sat up talking and how great it was to be able to communicate with him. Maybe we were a catalyst for the cxhange they needed. We hope we were the catalyst for change and not the catalyst for divorce. 

What a roller coaster  ride it has been. 

At this point we don't know if any more will come of this and that's perfectly fine with both of us. We just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Where to restart?

I guess I start by saying life has gotten better. 

We have been very involved in our art community and surrounded ourselves in the past 10 months with these new people. We feel a commonality and a sense of belonging. We've needed this for a while. People who get that people have ebbs and flows and have compassion.  More open minded free spirited individuals. 

On the sexual side of that, not forgetting that this is basically what this blog is about, we've been way more flirty and feeling our oats.
Its probably been more so in the last 2 months or so that we've put ourselves out there. Even with vanilla friends. I've felt more open to be open about what we do and what our lifestyle is. It's been a freeing experience. My thought is that if they don't like us because of that, then we don't really need to be friends. I find it interesting that how our life intrigues people and you can see that they themselves wished they had it in them. We've had a few confide that they would like to open up but they know their partner would freak if it was even brought up.

We've had people, mostly girls come on to us lately. Vanilla friends. It's kinda weird. One night after drinking a bunch of us piled in our car. Walk was designated driver and one of our newer single friends sat on my lap in the front seat.  As we were driving along to drop people off, she starts caressing my breast. It caught me off guard, but I liked it so I reciprocated. The next thing you know she started kissing me and we went at it. Walk couldn't believe his eyes and keep saying "oh good gawd" "oh good gawd" . It was hilarious. I'm not sure if the drunks in the back knew what was going on, but Walk was dropping them off as fast as he could. 
We ended dropping this girl off and as she got off my lap, Walk had gone around to our side to say goodbye and she started making out with him. Then turned to me and kissed me again a long kiss. She backed her cute little butt into Walk while she was leaned into me in the front seat. She took his hand and had him grab her from behind. Which lead to hands up her skirt in her panties while she continued kissing me.
In a little girl voice she would say, I can't do this my boyfriend doesn't know as she forcefully shoved her tongue down my throat and thrust into Walks fingers. She's kind of a cute geek in the best way and she tells me sweetly, she can do this if she shares me with her "wolf". Really?? her wolf? Anyways, He was out of town working. And there's not a chance of that! I kinda said ok, but didn't mean it and we went continued the awesome make out session for a while and she said she needed to go and said our goodbyes and went on our merry way.
Next days text after me asking if we are "ok"?
Her: sorry for being such a slutty drunk.
me: I loved it and its ok, are we good?
Her: I'm in a transitional point in my life and I'm trying to be a mellow monogamous adult.
but yeah we're good.

Things have been fine since. Just back to vanilla friends. She does let her kisses hello linger a little longer than your average person. Plus the twinkle in her eye tells me we are still on her radar. I don't want anything from her. That was just one totally unexpected fun night to remember.

I could go on with some more stuff that we've been up to, but I'll just save that for later or for Walk to share.

I hope you are all doing well. Sorry for our absence. Life happened.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Lurking in the shadows

Hi everybody just a quick update, we are still here. We have not written in sometime and things have still been an up and down sort of struggle. We seem to be gaining a foothold on life and things are improving. We have booked and are definitely going to Desire in November. We are both looking forward to that.   We also are attending a sex positive conference in late september. It is local to us and should be fun. I hope to start blogging again on a more regular basis we will just have to see how it goes.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Fun Real Storytelling

Last night we went to Bawdy Storytelling in LA on Sunset Blvd. against our better judgement on a work night. Walk has early morning wake ups. We felt this was probably going to be  "worth it".
It was.

We had heard it through one of the podcast we listen to and sex educator Reid Mahalko was talking about it. It immediately intrigued me and I looked it up, told Walk about it and he was interested. So we went not fully knowing what to expect but from what we saw on the website. It was in a old school Mexican restaurant with some definite history and nicely put together. 

This clip above wasn't from last night, but is a clip from YouTube I found. There's many more where that came from. Please click on it and take a look at what I'm talking about.

It's basically people telling a real 10minute sexual experience they've had. There were a couple famous people and the rest were just regular people getting on stage telling everything. It's just the open minded sexual community coming together to bare it all. The MC and I believe the gal that runs it? Is pretty good at keeping the crowd going with a good positive vibe and real storytelling about herself.

It's interesting after being in a vanilla world most of our time, to go to a place like this with like minded people. (open minded, that is) To sit at a table introduce yourself to the dude next to you, probably in his 70's with a newly amputated leg.( he had shared with us as he hobbled to sit down) We had asked where we he had heard about this and he said Fet Life.... matter of factly and shared that he was a Dom. You don't get that sitting at your everyday restaurant.  
Most of the crowd ages were probably early 30's to early 50's, with a wide sexual diversity. I love that!

They do these shows in San Francisco and LA and we will definitely go back.

~ Roll~

Friday, March 22, 2013

A New

Sometimes I don't know who I am.
I feel empowered and weak at the same time.
I smile and hurt.
Intuitively I yearn.
I see hope but am leery.
Grasping at the earth to be rooted.
The unabandoned me is hidden deep wanting freedom.
Falling from pasts, I pick myself up.
I see a new me.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

a video to watch

WALK:Hi everyone we continue to grow and communicate everyday and things are a lot lighter around here lately. We have even tentatively scheduled a trip to Desire Cancun for next Fall . We are playing it by ear and we will have to see how it feels as it gets closer. We still struggle with some things and we are learning how to deal with them as they come. We continue to watch the videos from Reid Mahalko and I personally have learned some lessons from him. 
I actually wanted to write tonight to post this video it was sent to me by a young gay friend of ours who is aware of our situation. He is one of a group of young twenty somethings that Roll and I have dubbed our slutty children, they also call us slutty Mom and Dad. It amazes us both that these kids are so in tune with their sexuality and so progressive in their thinking. Neither of us were anywhere near this advanced at their age.

Thursday, February 28, 2013


WALK: Hi everyone it's been quite a while since I have written on here. I think for me I was too wrapped up in not wanting to write about the bad things that have been going on. I do realize that not all can be sunshine and happy days. The very concept of what we do can lead to many issues as has been apparent here. That said Roll and I are doing better, we continue to struggle with some things,but day to day life is getting better. 
As Roll has mentioned I do struggle with many issues that stem from a childhood that was definitely less than ideal. I am learning much about myself and realize that my instinct to gravitate towards things and people who validate me or make me feel good is part of the problem. I have been going to therapy for a couple of years now and right now my focus is on exploring this further. Hearing others say they are attracted to me or want to be with me is a huge ego boost, how can it not be. I know for me the goal is striking a healthy balance of accepting that boost and realizing that all of this is just extra curricular activity. I can not let it get in  the way of what is most important in my life, Roll. I have often disregarded how she was feeling and just assumed all was fine at the moment. I often heard what I wanted and not what was being said. I am also trying to learn a new way of saying things in a more thoughtful way. I have a tendency to just speak without thinking. 
We both started watching a video series yesterday that was done by Reid Mahalko  We first heard him on Tristan Taraminos podcast and also on Life on the Swingset, both great podcasts that deal with non monogamy. If  you have never heard him before you owe it to yourself to listen. He did a video series called relationship10x it's about making your relationship 10 times better. Many of the things he says make a lot of sense.  Check it out and watch his youtube videos they are really pretty good
I also think writing on here can be helpful and if others have thoughts please comment. Thank you to those who have sent the emails and comments and who have reached out trying to help we both appreciate it. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


I've had quite a bit of quiet time in the last week. My car has been in the shop and with no transportation I have spent a lot of time at home painting. I've left the TV off and pretty much all other devices kept to a minimum. It has been not fun car less but it is probably what I've needed for a long time. People have offered to take me places but I just am really in a zone and need to go with just staying home.

This time has been one of letting my heart rest. Although we have had our issues still coming up now and then stemming from this last 6 months/ lifetime. I have been trying to listen to Walk and trying to make sense of his insecurities and hold them and respect them for what they are. I've been so hurt it's been hard to sit with someone elses hurt.
I see his struggle, I feel the intensity of hurt he's masked. I see him trying to put forth effort to see it for what it is. It's exhausting on so many levels. 

Both his and my feelings are basically fear based. I can only speak to my fears. I fear not being good enough. I fear losing him. I fear being alone. Those feelings for me run deep and upfront and center most days.
It took me a long time to find comfort and confidence and not so long for me to lose it.

I try each day to look forward. All I can do is take it day to day. The stupidest of things stress me out now and I just try to avoid anymore nonsense. 
I am disappointed in myself because I have been so wrapped up in us that I have just let people go by the way side, but it's what I needed to do.
I have in the last couple weeks let myself tell 2 friends about what has gone on and although I know they fully don't grasp it, they took it, processed it and didn't judge. It was so freeing in a way, and very kind hearted of them to hear some probably shocking situations they would've never expected to hear from me. Both of them let me share thoughts and feelings and then embraced them because I think they saw my sincerity and fear. It scared me to death divulging such things. But I did it and glad I did.
I'm just about at the point in my life if you don't except me as a real person with faults and can't accept me for thinking outside the box, do we really need to be friends?

My hopes:
If we can stay on track and keep on this soul searching journey, communicate, listen and hold each others thoughts and embrace them.......we will respect what we have been through and come out stronger.


Thursday, February 21, 2013

In my mind

A peaceful morning before starting to paint.

It can be solitary. It can be freeing. It can be lonely. It can be lovely.
The mind wanders......
I wonder, I fantasize, I long. 
I stare. It's quiet
I'm scared.


Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Every evening for a few weeks we have either set a time to talk after dinner or when we go to bed. We have talked until we are blue and sometimes just completely lost focus of where it all started. It's been draining and enlightening all in one instance.

We are communicating and I'm trying to understand what has happened to us. Walk is too. 

Walk has a sense of clarity and has told me that he has never felt this real and deep and understanding in his life as he does at this moment. As much as I want to grasp it, I've heard all this in different forms before and I fuckin hurt.
I know he's a good person, a caring person.....but that doesn't change the question of why has all this happened? I know with the death of my mom it has put us in a tail spin. We've felt such a loss and I know everyone deals with that different. 

We've both been through quite a few deaths in the past 6-7 years and I know both of us just feel abandoned by our most important people. It's kind of like, "well it's basically just us now".

We came from 2 totally obviously different backgrounds. He from and alcoholic verbally abusive family trying to fend for himself in anyway he could. Myself, raised by my mom (June Cleaver) after my dad passed away at age eleven and trying to deal with my physical issues and not excepting it or being accepted, but loved by my mom.
We were married at 21 and 22, bringing all our glory to one plate.
With that said, the odds were against us. We have been each others support and unconditional love from day one. Just doing what we knew and trying our best with what we were taught.
Mind you, our lives growing up weren't all doom and gloom. There were times of good, but those bad times scar. They form who you are today and unless you make room for change you will live doing the same behaviours over and over. 

Myself, I came full circle in my 30's doing a lot of soul searching and realizing my self worth and embracing who I was. It was an uphill battle that I'm glad I challenged it, but wouldn't go back if you paid me. During that time and years before, Walk was there physically but not mentally, if that makes any sense. We did have a pretty good life and love was there but I in someways felt alone. He mentally could not go to those places I needed to go in order to enrich and understand my life. He thought it was a bunch of psycho babble, which didn't help my cause at all. I knew what was best for me and did what I needed to do. 
With all this lately, I feel I've been pushed back. I feel like crap, not worth much, and like "who am I"? and "what is happening"?

This whole openness thing has opened up a whole new communication level in the past couple years and we went with it. It has been one of the most freeing and lovely experiences that we ever had. A kind of coming into our own, I guess. 
Unfortunately, I thought we were more open than we were. I'm pretty free with my emotions, feelings about things and will put them out there. I thought walk would also and he did to a certain extent. I don't think he was able to see, until just recently why he reacts and acts towards certain things. This has been an ongoing pattern ever since I can remember and this year with everything that went on it just was like a barrel rolling down hill.

The barrel has stopped. Everything is in quiet mode. Walk is opening his eyes to his world. I see it...... but I'm hurt and I feel numb so it's hard to embrace. I think it will be a long time. Things like this don't happen overnight.

In the depths of my heart.......I think I've said this before,.......I hope he can find peace within himself. It's all I can hope for .....for the both of us.

For me the lifestyle has been put on a shelf for another time. Like I've said before, it is a part of me but it isn't the most important part.
I will continue to post.

This is life people and we're learning as we go along.