I've had quite a bit of quiet time in the last week. My car has been in the shop and with no transportation I have spent a lot of time at home painting. I've left the TV off and pretty much all other devices kept to a minimum. It has been not fun car less but it is probably what I've needed for a long time. People have offered to take me places but I just am really in a zone and need to go with just staying home.
This time has been one of letting my heart rest. Although we have had our issues still coming up now and then stemming from this last 6 months/ lifetime. I have been trying to listen to Walk and trying to make sense of his insecurities and hold them and respect them for what they are. I've been so hurt it's been hard to sit with someone elses hurt.
I see his struggle, I feel the intensity of hurt he's masked. I see him trying to put forth effort to see it for what it is. It's exhausting on so many levels.
Both his and my feelings are basically fear based. I can only speak to my fears. I fear not being good enough. I fear losing him. I fear being alone. Those feelings for me run deep and upfront and center most days.
It took me a long time to find comfort and confidence and not so long for me to lose it.
I try each day to look forward. All I can do is take it day to day. The stupidest of things stress me out now and I just try to avoid anymore nonsense.
I am disappointed in myself because I have been so wrapped up in us that I have just let people go by the way side, but it's what I needed to do.
I have in the last couple weeks let myself tell 2 friends about what has gone on and although I know they fully don't grasp it, they took it, processed it and didn't judge. It was so freeing in a way, and very kind hearted of them to hear some probably shocking situations they would've never expected to hear from me. Both of them let me share thoughts and feelings and then embraced them because I think they saw my sincerity and fear. It scared me to death divulging such things. But I did it and glad I did.
I'm just about at the point in my life if you don't except me as a real person with faults and can't accept me for thinking outside the box, do we really need to be friends?
If we can stay on track and keep on this soul searching journey, communicate, listen and hold each others thoughts and embrace them.......we will respect what we have been through and come out stronger.