To put into words what has been going on in our lives would be a near feat. I do want to share kind of a mish mosh of stuff relating and not relating to the lifestyle or our own personal openness.
As some of you know this past year had been one for the records between our vanilla world and our not so vanilla world. It's been one of the hardest years of my life and I know that's completely a first world problem. There are way more important issues out there, but this is my little reality and it hit hard.
I'm tired of playing games. Games that divert and disregard and fill an empty space on many levels of life. Wanting to fill a need and while unintentionally emptying someone elses. Trying to take pain away when all it needs to be is sat with. Losing something and not grasping for anything or anyone that passes by to fill that void. Putting faith in people that don't really care or letting someone throw you under the bus and go back as it never happened. I'm ashamed of myself and us as a couple. I'm worth more, we are worth more.
For two people that love each other the way we do you would walk into this years shit and think we have been the drama couple all our lives.
I can only speak for myself and say that I've come to the end of my rope. This is a sink or swim time and at the moment I'm floating. So survival mode has kicked in for me. In the past couple weeks I've embraced some new small personal challenges. I am doing what feels right and inspiring and even started painting again after a several long months. I have art shows planned and have some goals and met some really mind stimulating people that I think might help me find my groove un denounced to them. I'm finally realizing that the people that I thought would be there and say they will, are not. And when faced with the toughest time of your life and they are no where to be found and you can't trust or rely or confide in them.....well its time to maybe re-evaluate who you're surrounding yourself with.
Walk and I still have love. Some respect and trust and dignity has been lost along the way and it hurts so much. We have tried to dodge the issue and make ourselves feel better in some odd ways and with faliure. So here we are, and we are still in this learning process for so many issues. Things that stem from deep within, dealing with death and feeling abandoned, self worth, etc. Just realizing so many things about strategies life hands you and how you deal with it, stemming from learned survival behaviours.
It's exhausting and enlightening all wrapped up in a pretty little package.
We have so much to give to each other and the good does weight out the bad. But the bad hurts like hell and I'm not sure if this is something that will be the demise of us or the thing that makes us stronger. Only time will tell and lots of soul searching and emotion checking.
I'm at the point I am just going day by day and trying to be true to myself and only hope we can do the same as a couple.
As for something on a completely different note:
Marriage equality, same sex couples and unity.
Why is this not excepted? Even in the "lifestyle" community? Why is it such a big deal? and why are people so ignorant?
We are all sexual human beings and not everybody is the same.
It's ok for us to all have different likes, dislikes, kinks, affection, passion, loves............but let me get this right......only if you are straight or females (because it sexy.)
Who makes these rules and who doesn't deserve love and respect?
I will be painting for a show for the Marriage Equality issue in the next few months. In my life I have gay friends and family whom I love very much and they are regular and not so regular, just like my straight friends. I wouldn't expect everybody to be the same. It would be boring and not real.
People who get it, get it. No biggie. But how do we get people to realize this is a right we all have and how you or I are no different that they are? It just baffles me. This is a civil rights issue, that isn't going to go away and I've been on board and now it's full force.
So this is one of many things I'm passionate about and I would like feedback on this and any other thing you want to throw this way.
Ok breath........I got all that out........wheeew.