Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Focus

Every evening for a few weeks we have either set a time to talk after dinner or when we go to bed. We have talked until we are blue and sometimes just completely lost focus of where it all started. It's been draining and enlightening all in one instance.

We are communicating and I'm trying to understand what has happened to us. Walk is too. 

Walk has a sense of clarity and has told me that he has never felt this real and deep and understanding in his life as he does at this moment. As much as I want to grasp it, I've heard all this in different forms before and I fuckin hurt.
I know he's a good person, a caring person.....but that doesn't change the question of why has all this happened? I know with the death of my mom it has put us in a tail spin. We've felt such a loss and I know everyone deals with that different. 

We've both been through quite a few deaths in the past 6-7 years and I know both of us just feel abandoned by our most important people. It's kind of like, "well it's basically just us now".

We came from 2 totally obviously different backgrounds. He from and alcoholic verbally abusive family trying to fend for himself in anyway he could. Myself, raised by my mom (June Cleaver) after my dad passed away at age eleven and trying to deal with my physical issues and not excepting it or being accepted, but loved by my mom.
We were married at 21 and 22, bringing all our glory to one plate.
With that said, the odds were against us. We have been each others support and unconditional love from day one. Just doing what we knew and trying our best with what we were taught.
Mind you, our lives growing up weren't all doom and gloom. There were times of good, but those bad times scar. They form who you are today and unless you make room for change you will live doing the same behaviours over and over. 

Myself, I came full circle in my 30's doing a lot of soul searching and realizing my self worth and embracing who I was. It was an uphill battle that I'm glad I challenged it, but wouldn't go back if you paid me. During that time and years before, Walk was there physically but not mentally, if that makes any sense. We did have a pretty good life and love was there but I in someways felt alone. He mentally could not go to those places I needed to go in order to enrich and understand my life. He thought it was a bunch of psycho babble, which didn't help my cause at all. I knew what was best for me and did what I needed to do. 
With all this lately, I feel I've been pushed back. I feel like crap, not worth much, and like "who am I"? and "what is happening"?

This whole openness thing has opened up a whole new communication level in the past couple years and we went with it. It has been one of the most freeing and lovely experiences that we ever had. A kind of coming into our own, I guess. 
Unfortunately, I thought we were more open than we were. I'm pretty free with my emotions, feelings about things and will put them out there. I thought walk would also and he did to a certain extent. I don't think he was able to see, until just recently why he reacts and acts towards certain things. This has been an ongoing pattern ever since I can remember and this year with everything that went on it just was like a barrel rolling down hill.

The barrel has stopped. Everything is in quiet mode. Walk is opening his eyes to his world. I see it...... but I'm hurt and I feel numb so it's hard to embrace. I think it will be a long time. Things like this don't happen overnight.

In the depths of my heart.......I think I've said this before,.......I hope he can find peace within himself. It's all I can hope for .....for the both of us.

For me the lifestyle has been put on a shelf for another time. Like I've said before, it is a part of me but it isn't the most important part.
I will continue to post.

This is life people and we're learning as we go along.

Roll




3 comments:

  1. Regarding deaths: Cate and I have been going through some of that too. So far it's mostly been losing family relatives from an older generation, but we know it's going to be our immediate parents sooner or later and it's hard to imagine going through it all. And then losing friends, people from your own generation, is going to be another level of that. So far what's affected us more is all the people we know who have divorced or separated while we have stayed the course. The more we go, the more it feels like a battlefield. It's sad to see all these friends abdicating, and makes us wonder why it's so hard to keep relationships together. But of course we know. We were watching Ester Perel yesterday and she touches on that at the beginning of her talk.

    http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/betty-dodson/2013/02/mating-captivity

    The other thing your post touches in me is that I had my own faults earlier in my relationship with Cate. I thought I was loving and caring and listening, but when I compare to today, I see that there was room for improvement, and that the gripes that Cate had about me, as much as I used to not see them and debate their validity with Cate, these flaws were there. I don't the point is that I should have been perfect from the start, of course. I think the point is we all do the best we can with the perspective that our maturity level and particular life experiences allow us.

    That's all I have to say. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fruit Taster- I was wanting to write you back here the other day and in my mind numbness lately I didn't come to the blog and write it. I simply opened our email where your comment had come in the first place to be published and hit reply and wrote you a whole email and sent it off from that comment. I don't know if you got it or where it goes from there? Sorry for my ditziness.
    We did watch the video and both took something from it. We also apreciate you sharing and your kindness. The note back was about 2 paragraphs long but this sums it up.
    LOL Thanks friend.
    I will pay more attention next time. :)

    ReplyDelete

Talk dirty to us.